Monday, November 03, 2008

Hunting Secret Atheists – a Beginner’s Guide


[Got him.]

This post is intended to expand a little bit on last week’s post. I would like to elaborate on some of the best tools available to catch secret atheists.

First and foremost, is monitoring software. I may be mistaken, however I have an impression that nearly all atheists are avid Internet users. The Internet provides easy access to all types of obscenity and therefore atheists swarm to it like flies swarming around a pool of sewage. If you are able to install monitoring software on the suspect’s computer without him being aware of it, then that will be incredibly useful. You will be able to read every email, instant message, see every webpage, everything. It’s basically as close as you can come to actually reading someone’s mind.

Additionally, installing special software on the suspect's smart phone can reveal an immense amount of information about the suspect's activities and movements.

My motto is: If you’re not sure, monitor!

If the suspect doesn't have a smart phone, you can still track the suspect’s movements using a GPS tracking device hidden in the car.

If you are wondering if your husband is really at that Talmud lecture, or is he somewhere more unsavory, now you’ll know.

If you suspect drug usage by a member of your family, then just obtain a small hair sample (a little snip of payos might be ideal) and send it in for analysis. You’ll know exactly what he’s been using for the past three months.

STD tests require a urine and/or blood sample. If you suspect, however, that your unmarried daughter is sexually active, you might want to test her underpants for semen.

After this, further questions can be answered by asking the suspected atheist to undergo a lie detector examination.

These methods are more or less standard for investigating marital infidelity, and can all be used to detect religious infidelity as well.

In addition to these practical efforts to track down and ostracize atheists, we must also fervently pray for the immediate destruction of Jewish heretics.

There is no reason for us to continue to be victimized by secret atheists. If we wish to, we can easily make secret atheism a thing of the past with a little serious effort.

76 comments:

BrooklynWolf said...

Interestingly, none of these things test for atheism.

jewish philosopher said...

Well, if the monitoring software reveals that he is the author of the "The Secret Atheist Hassidic Rebel" blog, that might suggest something.

BrooklynWolf said...

And yet, I'm sure you've visited atheist blogs, and you, no doubt, will admit that you're not an atheist. So, how does a list of websties visited test for atheism?

And the other items on your list test for many things, but atheism isn't one of them.

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

You can monitor every keystroke if need be and if he is contributing to the atheistic blogs, and agreeing with them, you'll know.

Child Ish Behavior said...

You have got to be kidding. Right? There is a difference between thoughts and actions. Some people do bad things even though they are wrong and later feel bad about it. You would only be able to tell a persons actions and not his thoughts. "If you see a tzadik sin at night, know that by morning he has done teshuva."

It is up to people themselves to strive for moral consistancy, it is not up to anyone to force it on them, no matter what relationship they have to the person, and no matter how good the intentions are.

Hatzlacha.

jewish philosopher said...

They can do whatever they want, but not in our homes, schools or synagogues.

We are mad as hell and we won't put up with it any more.

BrooklynWolf said...

They can do whatever they want, but not in our homes, schools or synagogues.

So, if they can do what they want, but not at home, where can they actually do what they want?

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

They would have to speak to other homeless people for advice.

bankman said...

who says that a jew is required to do this?

let me guess,.,,,the rabbis! they dont want anyone to go against them....they would loose their power!

BrooklynWolf said...

They would have to speak to other homeless people for advice.

Ah, right, I forgot about that. Silly me.

In any event, you put up the wrong picture. I'm a wolf, not a bear. Since you seem to think that I'm a closet atheist (because I disagree with your position), you really should change the picture.

The Wolf (who is *not* a bear)

Anonymous said...

I cant figure this blog out. if it's facetious--well as a humorist, this just isnt funny. put up clips from jackie mason or something, hes funnier. If it's serious--which im guessing it isn't--research the history of the sanhedrin and why it was disbanded. If it's a mix of the 2--and thats the assumption im working on--read Rav kook's essays on atheism before sounding off anymore on atheism. It will hopefully be eye opening for you about the purpose of atheism.

jewish philosopher said...

bankman, it's not the rabbis who are going to do this. It's much worse. It's your wife.

Wolf, I just liked the smile of the hunter in the photo. He looks really happy - like me!

BrooklynWolf said...

You can monitor every keystroke if need be and if he is contributing to the atheistic blogs, and agreeing with them, you'll know.

And what about those atheists who don't blog?

The Wolf

BrooklynWolf said...

And the other items on your list test for many things, but atheism isn't one of them.

And you haven't addressed this point either... none of the other items on your list test for atheism.

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

I would say if someone seldom if ever uses the Web, he's probably not an atheist. If he tests clean for drugs and is not going anywhere suspicious, I would probably forget it.

But a lie detector test might be the only way to go then.

jewish philosopher said...

"And you haven't addressed this point either... none of the other items on your list test for atheism."

I am hoping that we will soon develop a Home Atheist Testing Kit, checking your vital signs when the name "Dawkins" is mentioned. But that's still a few months away.

jewish philosopher said...

"Rav kook's essays on atheism before sounding off anymore on atheism"

Sorry, but this blog doesn't follow Rav Kook.

BrooklynWolf said...

Sorry, but this blog doesn't follow Rav Kook.

Okay, so which Rav does it follow? Who is the Rav who would advocate what you are advocating?

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

Read my profile.

BrooklynWolf said...

Your profile says that you follow the teachings of the "Lituanian rabbinical seminaries." Fine. Please state the name (and cite the opinion) of a leader of a Lithuanian rabbinical seminary who advocates your position.

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

I think that Rabbi Avigdor Miller wouldn't have a problem with my ideas. Or the Steipler.

BrooklynWolf said...

Care to name someone living whom we can actually ask? Someone whose views you currently consult?

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

If you only read blogs which are written under rabbinical supervision, I'm sorry, this blog is not. I do not have a rabbinical supervisor.

bankman said...

please cite the source that a jew is obligated to "hunt" athiests.

jewish philosopher said...

Psalms 139:21-22 “Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate Thee? And do not I strive with those that rise up against Thee? I hate them with utmost hatred; I count them mine enemies.”

Freethinking Upstart said...

You hit another one out of the park. Home Run, Jacob!

Anonymous said...

Jacob, I think that you would find it rather difficult to expose me in my quest to undermine pernicious ultra-orthodox dogma. All those ideas about hair sampling, computer monitoring software, etc. would be of no value because my entire family are crypto-atheists. We, and many others of similar mind, actively seek to subvert fundamentalist judaism to save it from itself. It is not only by introducing skeptical notions like evolution and the documentary hypothesis to the great masses of the ignorant fundie unwashed, like yourself. We also take active steps to actualy purge deleterious fundies from the ranks of clueless chareidi leadership. It was one of my atheist friends that suggested to the Spinka rebbe to defraud the U.S. government with his fraudulent charitable contribution scheme. And I personaly know the atheist who infiltrated the Agriprocessor kosher meatpacking plant in Postville, Iowa and blew the whistle on those heimishe miscreants. The Spinka entourage and the Rubashkins will soon be locked away and unable to bamboozle yidden with the inane idiocy that you so bogusly dispense.
Be very afraid, Jacob. We are in you neighborhood and in your shul. Its only a matter of time before we expose you.

XGH said...

A little better, but still way short of what the Rambam would require. Are you scared to repeat the actual Halachah? Have you been chas vesholom influenced by goyish 21st century Western morality? Come on man, show some cojones and say it like it is. Don't just vaguely hint with a photo of a dead bear.

Larry Tanner said...

Question: What is the Hebrew word for "congregation"? Is there anything special about this word, as in its being an acronym?

jewish philosopher said...

"Its only a matter of time before we expose you."

That's the point. I have nothing to expose. The same can't be said for atheists. Take even open atheists. It's weird how little seems to known about their personal lives. Take for example Richard Dawkins. Has anyone ever seen his daughter? Does she like him? I don't know. Then take Arthur C. Clarke, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennett and Michael Shermer - all life long bachelors. What's the story with them?

"Don't just vaguely hint with a photo of a dead bear."

It has nothing to do with anyone named "Dov".

"What is the Hebrew word for "congregation"?"

Kehillah. So?

Larry Tanner said...

I was thinking "tzibbur." It's an acronym that suggests a congregation is made up of all the righteous, the intermediate and the wicked. All are part of the congregation.

I would ask you to let each person fight his or her own battle. Frankly, the whole monitoring system seems all too fascist to me, and I would avoid it at all cost - all cost.

"Never again" means "never again by anyone." I pray that you somehow see this.

BrooklynWolf said...

I do not have a rabbinical supervisor.

You mean that you're advocating breaking up thousands of families, throwing thousands of people into permanent homelessness, forcing them to undergo lie-detector, STD and drug tests, and you haven't even discussed this with a Rav at all??!

The Wolf

jewish philosopher said...

I think tzibbur is a word.

So what's your suggestion, Larry? Don't worry about wives getting gonorrhea from "frum skeptic" sleaze bags? Don't worry about non-kosher food being sold as kosher? Don't worry if the guy leading the prayers for me on Yom Kippur just finished off a pork chop? No, I don't think so.

jewish philosopher said...

"You mean that you're advocating breaking up thousands of families, throwing thousands of people into permanent homelessness, forcing them to undergo lie-detector, STD and drug tests, and you haven't even discussed this with a Rav at all??!"

Yup.

jewish philosopher said...

By the way, I don't see why secret atheists could not set up shelters for their homeless, recently outed colleagues.

Larry Tanner said...

You say: "So what's your suggestion, Larry? Don't worry about wives getting gonorrhea from "frum skeptic" sleaze bags? Don't worry about non-kosher food being sold as kosher? Don't worry if the guy leading the prayers for me on Yom Kippur just finished off a pork chop? No, I don't think so."

It's not my suggestion, it's G-d's. Why are you more concerned with the most recent meal of the guy leading the prayers than you are with the quality of your own prayers? Why aren't you more concerned with standing close to G-d?

jewish philosopher said...

"Why aren't you more concerned with standing close to G-d?"

Who says I'm not? There are over 180 posts on this blog, not all are about exposing secret atheists. But I think that this is also an important issue.

jewish philosopher said...

Let's say a neighbor of yours was trying to convince your teenage son to use cocaine. Would you say in that case as well "Frankly, the whole monitoring system seems all too fascist to me, and I would avoid it at all cost - all cost. It's not my suggestion, it's G-d's." Or would you want to use every legal, non-violent tool at your disposal to stop that guy? This is how Orthodox Jews view secret Orthodox atheists.

Larry Tanner said...

If I know who the neighbor is, then I confront him or her. If I do not, I counsel my teenage son (as I would in the first case as well).

I can also work harder to be with my son. By being a better father, I can help him make the wise, adult decision. Ultimately, he is bar mitzvah and must make choices for himself.

Just because I may want to use more extreme, non-violent tools - and I do not grant that I would - does not make it moral to use them.

jewish philosopher said...

"If I know who the neighbor is"

That's exactly the problem. In regards to secret atheists, we don't know who these people are and we need to find out. Therefore I am writing these posts. Once we have that information in hand, then can go about confronting them, counseling our children, etc.

Anonymous said...

"It was one of my atheist friends that suggested to the Spinka rebbe to defraud the U.S. government with his fraudulent charitable contribution scheme."

So the whole thing wouldn't have happened if it wsn't for a crypto-atheist. Wow.You guys really are dangerous. You're proving JP's point.

jewish philosopher said...

I think that was supposed to be a joke.

Anonymous said...

so your entire source for doing this is one quote in the book of psalms?

question 2 - jacob, can you now see why so many have been turned off by this kind of fundamentalist approach? it is too harsh, it is too extreme,,,,people want to live life - be happy, enjoy there time here on this earth. this is not enjoyable - this is brutal.

jewish philosopher said...

How many quotes do you want?

Question 2 - why are you interested in protecting hypocrites?

Anonymous said...

how many quotes? i didnt ask for quotes I asked if your entire source for implementing this retarded idea was from that quote in the book of psalms.....its a yes or no question.

question2, please answer me. can you see why so many turn away from this type of behavior? yes or no.

jewish philosopher said...

If you have nothing to hide, there is no reason this should turn you off.

On the other hand, when people see a guy with a yarmulke going to strip bar, not knowing that he is actually an atheist, that can turn people off.

onionsoupmix said...

This is all a wonderful idea. People who do not adhere to halacha should be ejected from their communities, homes, etc. Maybe even shot. I like that.

Since the above, sadly, is against halacha, we should foremost start with the author of the post.

jewish philosopher said...

Sounds like someone is getting nervous. I doubt your wife will shoot you onion, but if you get kicked out into the street, maybe you can go live in a special shelter for homeless atheists. There should be one, especially after enough people read this post.

BlackEyedP said...

Ive followed your comments on other blogs and I was curious to find out who you were, exactly and what I have found out is that you have outed YOURSELF as an unloving, ungodly person who uses his feeling of moral superiortiy to condemn the acts of others (or to form unfounded suspicions of your neighbors). You, in my opinion are acting just like the Jews who turned in their fellow Jews to the Nazis in order to spare themselves. We were all given free will. Everyone should be allowed to express it - in any setting they wish. I would love to come to your shul and make you uncomfortable...see you running after me with scissors to test my hair. You're crazy. And it has nothing to do with your religion.

BlackEyedP said...

One more thing...TEST YOUR DAUGHTERS UNDERPANTS FOR SEMEN? Are you serious? You cannot be serious! This is tantament to child abuse. Seriously.

jewish philosopher said...

P, ""When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." Edmund Burke, 1770 Thoughts on the Cause of the Present Discontent

I will not allow my fellow loyal, sincere Jews to fall one by one.

And by the way, exactly this type of atheistic misbehavior caused the Holocaust.

My innocent little P, you have so much to learn. I hope that reading my blog can begin to enlighten you.

onionsoupmix said...

I doubt your wife will shoot you onion,

Having a wife for me would be against halacha, being that I'm female. I think your suggestion of something clearly assur indicates that you are a closet atheist. Physician, heal thyself! Start monitoring yourself for any heretical notions and let us know when we can hunt you down. People who advocate lesbianism on blogs should be shot. For the good of society, I mean. Right?

jewish philosopher said...

Onion, do you have a husband or father you are afraid of?

onionsoupmix said...

Nope. I have a husband but we are not afraid of each other.

Are you afraid of your wife?

Pen Tivokeish said...

JP, don’t you believe that a closet atheist who has kids in school, and conforms to what the community expects of its people, would be hounded out of town if he or she was out’ed.

I for one, have kids in school, I make sure they adhere to the takonos the school imposes on them. They are kids who will almost certainly become good Jews.

Are you sure da’as torah agrees with you that these children should be viewed as collateral damage and should be sacrificed with their parents?

jewish philosopher said...

"Are you afraid of your wife?"

I would be if I had secrets.

"Are you sure da’as torah agrees with you that these children should be viewed as collateral damage and should be sacrificed with their parents?"

Probably. But I wrote in the original post "Each individual case should be subject of course to the guidance of senior rabbis."

Pen Tivokeish said...

Oh I see, so all this is nothing more than white noise from Utopia?

jewish philosopher said...

It is an Internet based truck load of wisdom.

James F. Elliott said...

I call spoof! Your vast postmodern project is revealed for the insipid performance art it is! Unmask yourself!

jewish philosopher said...

Your welcome to visit me or call my rabbi, Rabbi Ari Senter.

Antidos said...

Sir, you write that "In addition to these practical efforts to track down and ostracize atheists, we must also fervently pray for the immediate destruction of Jewish heretics."

Surely you know the gemarah and remember what Bruria said to her husband, rabbi Meir, who was praying for the destruction of heretics. She said, quoting a pasuk, "itamu chataim min haaretz" - not chotoim, but chataim. So, your approach is completely wrong.

Antidos said...

Also, I would like to add, that tracking people's movements, checking their browsing history, testing their underpands etc. falls under prohibition of "hoshed beksherim".

jewish philosopher said...

Bruria was referring to believing Jews who sinned, not a heretic. This story is in Brochos 10a. In fact, every uncensored version of the Amidah prayer includes a prayer for "the Jewish heretics to be immediately destroyed".

It is prohibited to suspect a person if there is no legitimate reason to do so. In this post, I am referring to someone who has done something to arouse suspicion.

Anonymous said...

http://machanaim.org/philosof/kook/b2-e.htm

jewish philosopher said...

This blog is not following the teachings of Rabbi Kook. Please see my profile and click on links there for more details.

Yeshivish Atheist said...

"If you suspect, however, that your unmarried daughter is sexually active, you might want to test her underpants for semen."

Good thing we have condoms, yes? After all, ya never know when the father of the girl your shtupping is gonna sniff around her underwear for your seaman.

jewish philosopher said...

If you remember the condoms as well as you spell, YA, you're in big trouble.

Yeshivish Atheist said...

Not necessarily, there's always oral sex. Overall, that detection method is very weak in my humble opinion.

jewish philosopher said...

I have no doubt that in time Science will find even better methods.

000646 said...

Jp.
you said
"Daniel Dennett and Michael Shermer - all life long bachelors".

your ignorance is astounding both michael schermer and daniel dennet are married susan dennet and kim shermer

jewish philosopher said...

I have heard recently about Dennett, I didn't know about Shermer. Any source for that?

Anonymous said...

With all due respect, I really think you need to speak to a rav about this blog. Its not simply a matter of your opinion. Its a matter of making a huge chillul Hashem.
Please have a little bittul and ask a mashpia or rav or SOMEONE.

jewish philosopher said...

What exactly would be the question? Can I tell other people why I believe in God? I think that's OK.

000646 said...

"I didn't know about Shermer. Any source for that?"

Sure, google michael shermer's name with the word "married" after it and he mentions her in his book "Why people beleive wierd things"

Sam harris is also married with a kid. Google his name in the first paragraph of the wikepedia article about him it mentiones his wife and kid

Anonymous said...

the question would be, is it appropriate for me to post things about hating other jews, persecuting other jews, etc?

jewish philosopher said...

Why not? Many Jewish books mention this.